Finding Trust, Not Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are funny emotions. There really is no point to them. They keep us locked in this cycle of feeling like shit about ourselves and if we don’t know how to step away from them, we end up engaging in self-destructive behaviors to try to escape them.
What is the Point of Guilt and Shame?
Think of them like cockroaches. They’re disgusting and make us uncomfortable. They may feel like they don’t serve a purpose, but there is a reason for them. Cockroaches do have a purpose; they actually clean up decaying matter and release nitrogen into our soil. Gross, I know. As for guilt and shame, their purpose is to motivate us to change. Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to make that change so we reach for something to numb the emotions; drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating, or any other self-destructive behavior that buries the guilt and shame we are experiencing.
Think about something you are ashamed of or feel guilty about. For me, it was drinking. I was getting too old for that crap. I drank responsibly during the week but come the weekend, all bets were off. I would wake up on a Saturday morning filled with regret, shame, and guilt, which led to anxiety, depression, and an overall sense of self-hatred. But I didn’t know how to change. I knew the traditional paths to recovery were not my thing nor did they make sense to me. They focused on how I was powerless or different, yet in my core I felt neither powerless nor broken. I just felt like I had a problem that needed fixing.
How to Break the Cycle
I needed to learn to let go of the guilt and the shame. I needed to learn to trust myself and the process. How? By learning everything there is to learn about alcohol. Why did I respond to alcohol the way I did? (It’s as addictive, if not more, than many illicit drugs. Huh, who knew?) I had to check in with my beliefs around alcohol and begin to decompose those beliefs into simple truths. (I really don’t need alcohol to relax or have fun. I just needed to learn to do those things without booze.) I needed to trust myself and the process.
Learning to trust myself meant learning to listen to my body. I don’t mean the physical, which holds a lot of truth, but also the emotional. The little whispers that push us forward. The quiet little voice that tells us, “This is you. Do this, not that.”
Trusting the process; the highs and lows of changing a behavior can be hard if you are not educated on what to expect. My brain was healing, which can be painful. My life was expanding, and like any growing pains, can be a bit uncomfortable. I needed to let go and let the process lead the way.
Recently, I went on a family vacation to Hawaii. And when I say family, I mean in-laws and all. It had been over 15 months of living alcohol free, yet there I was lounging by the pool and thinking, “This would be better with a beer.” So I had one, then another. Then a few more while at dinner. And guess what; it wasn’t better. I woke up with a slight hangover the next morning and my memories were a bit fuzzy. The connection I felt with my in-laws was fueled by booze, not heart. But the hangover was different than before because I didn’t feel any guilt or shame. What I felt was freedom. It was all part of the process. Drinking that day made me bloated and tired, not full of happiness and laughter. And now I know with absolute certainty, that any form of alcohol, whether out to happy hour or sitting poolside in Maui, does nothing for me except take away from the moment.
